Nobody's Nothings

i’ve never been very good at social interaction. i’m shy, a pacifist, and a follower. you’d never know that i’m also a Leo. i will always take the path of least resistance. most times, with most people, the path of least resistance just involves ignoring them until it’s time to leave.

when my children were babies, i used their chubby little cheeks like shields between me and the social world. the attention was never on me… it was always on that beautiful little baby that everybody wants to know about. that’s when i started going by the blog name “Nobody”… because that’s who i was. i was Nobody, with the really cute little gurgling baby. even pregnancy offered a shield against other people. during pregnancy, people suddenly forget who you are, and want to know all about the baby. when are you due, do you want a boy or girl, have you picked any names yet- it’s all about the baby. never about the mom. who, by the way, is suddenly “mom” and not who you were before that tiny little embryo took root in your womb.

for 10 years now, i’ve been able to use my children as shields against the world. everywhere we go, everything we do has been about keeping the children occupied, about keeping the children happy, about answering questions about the children. my children are getting older. my son was more dependent on me than my daughter ever was, so by the time he finally gained some independence, i had another little being to occupy my time. i’ve had a human shield against social interaction in place for over 10 years.

it’s still there, a little bit. my daughter is still plenty needy and a helluva lot more rambunctious and all-over-the-place than my son ever was. that also means that she’s not in my lap anymore to keep out the people. when i’m sitting in my son’s karate studio waiting for class to be over, my daughter isn’t sitting quietly in my lap, she’s running around with another kid, or making her own little obstacle course on the mats. (one that absolutely does NOT include mommy, she says) what do i do? i sit there in a chair and, what? talk to people? how the hell do i do that?

when i was in high school, i once went to a party. in my sleep over bag i brought a book i was in the middle of reading, and i desperately wanted to finish. books are more interesting than a bunch of people making boring small talk. my friend had to chide me and tell me to put my book away, because nobody reads books at parties. it’s a party. it’s for socializing and drinking, not reading quietly in a closet. which yes, i tried to do.

middle school is when i found my first piece of armor… from the first moment i picked a book off the library shelf, i realized that i could become completely engrossed in someone else’s world and completely ignore mine. i wasn’t exactly popular in middle school. i moved from a very northern state to a very southern state in 6th grade, and in 6th grade i instantly became an object of fascination- for teasing and bullying. i was the little kid who talked funny, lugging around a big old saxophone case everywhere. i learned to shut my mouth, and become completely engrossed in a book to make it easier to ignore the rocks that were thrown at me. that’s why i love to read. the imagery, the stories, the fact that everything goes the way it’s supposed to every single time… yes, with a book in front of my face, i effectively blocked out everything.

from then on books have always been a part of my life, but when i had my babies, the books were shelved for a little while. who needs escaping reality when you’re too damn tired to deal with it anyways?

eventually the babies got older, got more independent, and here i am again… reading book after book because i just don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t have friends to invite over for coffee. i can’t just go shopping when i get the bug. i have a very active online social life, but for some reason it feels more like reading books- like it just doesn’t really count. i still can’t face people in person. when i sit in the waiting room at dance, the first thing i do is open my book. the waiting room during speech therapy- open a book. the lounge at the karate studio- a book.

i’m not looking for a solution yet. i still don’t have quite enough time to do things for myself. right now i still have a 3 year old tagging along on my heels everywhere i go. my days are still filled with cartoons and sippy cups.

the time is coming, though. i can feel it sneaking up on me. it’s coming too soon… it’s not coming soon enough. what will i do with myself when both kids are at school, and i no longer have a shield against doing something? will i finally get that membership to a gym and take some classes? will i join the kenpo studio and finally talk to all those people i see coming and going? will i enroll at school again, and pit myself against people that are younger, less jaded, in order to throw myself back in the job market? what will i do???

maybe i should just curl up on the couch with a good book….

in person, i am quiet. i am very un-opinionated. unless i’m talking specifically to a person, i will avoid eye contact with people. i’m not good at small talk, because i hate small talk. unless i have something relevant to add to a conversation, i’d just as soon keep my mouth shut. it’s why i have trouble making new friends- i just don’t have anything to say to people i don’t know, and i have trouble instigating and continuing conversations. i also have a terrible self esteem, and for the most part think that everybody hates me. i don’t invite people to my home, because i don’t want them to feel pressured doing something they don’t really want to do. hell, the one time i did invite someone over- they never showed up. how’s that for a self esteem booster?

most people’s first impressions of me include the words “snooty” and “shy” and “boring”. then you get to know me, and i’m opinionated, ditzy, sarcastic and use the word fuck profusely. i will respect a person’s language preferences… i don’t swear around you if you don’t swear around me, but the majority of my internal dialogue is rated ‘R’ at best. the only place i can really truly be myself is a certain group on facebook, on my blog, and at home with my husband. otherwise, my personality is usually on lock-down because i’m cynical, sarcastic, and a little too rough around the edges for most people. i like to call it “honesty”.

i have controversial opinions about religion and spirituality, but believe wholeheartedly in every person’s right to choose.

my blog is my home. it’s my last resort comfort place, where i can splatter my personality around, unedited. through blogging i’ve made a lot of like-minded friends, because we wouldn’t read each other’s shit if we didn’t like each other. um, right?

so why do i feel just a little bit uncomfortable every time i know someone new is reading? especially someone i know IRL? maybe it goes back to those self esteem issues- i don’t like myself much, so i have absolutely no confidence when other people come in contact with the “real” me.

i dunno.

what i DO know, is that i better finish my coffee, and come up with some better writing material STAT.