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6- 30 of cycling

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17- 45 of cycling

18- Power Yoga

19- 30 of cycling

20 – Yoga Class

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27- Yoga Class

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30- 30 of cycling

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Your class is great. Really, it is. When I left, my legs felt weak and although I hadn’t broken a sweat, I still got a good core workout. I am writing you today to please ask you to change something in your class. In the end, when we’re supposed to be relaxing, please don’t make a big deal of the “Corpse Pose”. Yes, it is called Corpse Pose, so I can completely understand you calling it that, but please don’t elaborate.

Saying “Now we relax into Corpse Pose. We honor what once was, but is no more” does NOT help me relax. Sure, it sounds all “zen” and stuff, but it’s depressing. Honestly, who the hell wants to think about death when they’re trying to relax?

When you said that to me during class today, my first general thought was “OMG she’s talking about death.” Then my thoughts moved forward as follows:

Ugh. someday i’m going to be dead.

I wonder if I’ll be old?

Geez, someday in the unforseeable future someone is going to poke and prod my cold, dead body and burn me to a crisp.

It’ll be like I never was.

I wonder if I will go in a dignified manner.

I hope it’s not messy.

Yuck, I hope it doesn’t hurt.

I hope it isn’t any time soon.

I really hate it when people die.

It’s so sad. It just isn’t fair sometimes.

Then you instructed us to roll over onto our right sides into a half-fetal position. You asked us to hold onto the thoughts and feelings we currently have. Maybe you thought I would be thinking relaxing thoughts, but your whole mention of death kind of ruined it for me.

Now instead of feeling refreshed and energized at the end of class, I feel hopelessly depressed due to my contemplation of my and my loved ones ultimate mortality.

Thanks a lot.

Let’s not try and repeat that next week, okay?

I have enough emotional issues already without you slipping thoughts of death into my brain.

Thank you for your time,

Nobody.

i wasn’t entirely sure what to expect at first. i didn’t know if it would be just a fast paced, more of the usual stuff, or a series of poses that were difficult to do and hold. luckily for me, it was the former.

i’m going to start out, by saying that i really enjoyed the class. she took us through flowing series at a medium fast pace. they weren’t too easy, and when deepened into properly, stretched me out and made my muscles shake. i take my Yoga pretty seriously. i’m not very good at it yet- i can’t yet coordinate my breath with my movements, and sometimes it’s a strain just to hold a simple Warrior 1  properly. i do give it my all, though. i deepen as far as i can, and go as difficult as i can into a pose. i try to do each move as correct as i can, paying attention to each limb as it lengthens, bends, and stretches in the various poses.

in Power Yoga, it made me work for my poses. the fast pace had me dripping in sweat by the end of the class.

actually, it was pretty embarrassing. i only have two cotton exercise pants, and they show even the tiniest bit of sweat. to my horror at the end of the class, i looked down and saw big, disgusting sweat marks between my legs. i hastily grabbed my sweatshirt, tied it around my waist, and let the arms hang over my crotch in a desperate attempt to hide the grossness.

what’s worse, i’m pretty sure i’m the only person who actually broke a sweat in that class. or at least, the only one dumb enough not to have real workout pants that don’t show sweat like that.

i also forgot a towel, so all i had was one measly tissue i swiped from the bathroom before class to wipe up sweat and the snot dripping from my nose due to allergies.

oh yeah, i was that person in class today. the one you don’t want to be near… the one you want to hose down with disinfectant and chuck in the shower because her very presence is raising the humidity levels in the room.

i was definitely not prepared for Yoga to be that sweaty. i should have anticipated it, though. i’m a woman… all woman. some women are petite and pretty. i’ve known cute, tiny women who could go all day without wearing deodorant, and not break a sweat regardless of the level of physical activity. i’m not one of those.

i am a shapely woman. i have a tiny waist, but you can’t tell because my DDs hide it. i have a rather pokey, muscular butt thanks to my cycling, and there isn’t a single part of my body that isn’t curved in some way. don’t believe me? as of 5 minutes ago, i was 5′7″, 135 lbs, and my measurements 37/28/37.5. everything i do is big… my boobs are big, my hips are big, my ankles are big, even my nose is big. i also sweat big. believe me, if i could change it, i would. i think it’s just as disgusting as you do to see someone with huge sweat marks on their clothes. especially the ones that generalize around the crotch area.

at least i got a good workout, i guess.

but i’m going to have to do something about my exercise clothes before i go back.

i’m reading a book by Jessica Berger-Gross called EnLIGHTened: How I Lost 40 Pounds With a Yoga Mat, Fresh Pineapples, and a Beagle Pointer. i’m hoping this book about this girl’s struggle to find inner peace and happiness, physically and mentally, will resonate with me and coax my own inner strength to the surface. i need to make a life change, and those are never easy… maybe this time i can finally do it.

i was going to go back to Yoga class this morning. YES! we have re-instated our membership to the Y. we decided that it is worth it… we even managed to get our rates lowered a little bit. i did the math the other day, and as long as i go to class at the Y at least once a week, the monthly fees will cost the exact same as going to a real Yoga Studio once a week.

SO.

enlightening books, Yoga classes, back to the gym, cardio ahoy!, and there i go.

it’s the 6th of May, and hopefully today marks the day in which i get back on track.

1- X

2- 45 minutes of cycling

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4- P90X Cardio

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11- 47 minutes of cycling

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13- 20 on rollers

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hello? is anybody there? just curious. i really have no idea if anybody even reads my fitness spew… but i suppose i started this blog for me, so i shouldn’t really care too terribly much. but i do. it’s the curse of a blogger, i guess. if i didn’t want to be read by other people, i would have started a private journal instead.

anyways.

i’m taking a break.

a break from exercise.

i’m sick of it.

when i come back, i’ll probably be ten pounds heavier, and actually have some sort of goal in mind other then “not get fat”, because i’ll already be fat. fun, right?

really, though. i need to work some things out. i need to put a bandaid on my brain, and rest until it heals. when it does, i’ll rip the bandaid off and get right back on the bike and the dvds. i might even start enjoying it again. i promise.

until then….

i’ve been exercising on a regular basis for a little over a year now, and it’s starting to wear thin.

i don’t have a workout buddy to keep me motivated. sure, i have my husband. he’s very generous with compliments and positive feedback, but actually exercising with him is a little depressing. he does everything so much better than i do or will ever be able to do. i know it’s because he’s a man, genetically has more muscle mass than i do, has been doing it longer, and is just so different that’s it’s impossible for us to ever be on the same page- but still. a really good workout buddy is someone who motivates you, fills the workout space with positive energy, and doesn’t make you feel inferior just by force of their presence. had i stayed in Yoga class, i may have eventually made some platonic ties that were perfect for getting fit together, but we’ve already covered my reasons behind quitting. so i don’t have a workout buddy who will drag me to class or on my bike, or vice versa, when i’m feeling particularly lazy.

i don’t exercise for fun… i exercise for my health and yes, my appearance. if i actually enjoyed sweating like a pig and sucking wind, it would be easier to find the motivation to workout… hell, i never need anybody to tell me to ingest my daily allowance of chocolate! but i don’t enjoy exercise, and it’s like torturing myself sometimes. making it more difficult still, are the lack of immediate results. i’ve always been a “get it done now or don’t do it at all” kind of girl. yes, i procrastinate like crazy… but when it comes to personal projects, if it’s something i actually have to work hard at or practice before getting good at, i’ve been known to give up or move on pretty quickly. i find it a miracle i’ve been able to stick with exercising enough to see any results at all.

what do i do to stick with it???

i try not to consider the reality of having to do this for the rest of my life. i look upon my exercise with the same amount of distaste that i imagine a diabetic looks at having to take a daily shot of insulin. yes, i know it’s wrong to compare a healthy amount of exercise with a life-altering disease… but just because it’s wrong doesn’t make my mind quit thinking it.

i don’t have a weight loss goal, or a goal to tone things up. surprisingly, i’m already where i want to be. when someone tells you that maintaining your current level of fitness is the hardest part… they’re absolutely right. i’m where i want to be, so why shouldn’t i stop exercising? why shouldn’t i eat tons of cookies? i won’t gain 10 lbs in just one day….

a week, or a month, or a year of that kind of thinking can be devastating to one’s body. the key to staying fit, is continuing to exercise and eat right.

what methods, outside of a weight loss goal, do you use to stay motivated to exercise and eat right?

i’m at the point where i get out so little, even the idea of keeping my body in shape isn’t motivation enough. what’s the point in looking good if the only people who see me are my children? my husband’s already proven that he’ll love me whether i’m 180 lbs and pregnant, or 122 lbs with very little muscle tone.

sometimes i just get tired.

sometimes i just don’t want to do it anymore.

if someone told me today that the healthiest thing i could do for myself is sit on the couch and watch movies, blog, and eat Swiss Cake Rolls, i’d be in absolute heaven.

once again…

how do you stay motivated???

WHOO HOO!

take me, for instance.

i started out taking Yoga classes at the Y… but $90 a month for 1 Yoga class a week and not much else was just not worth it. we are saving our money right now to get ourselves out of debt, so i am officially my own personal trainer and instructor. i push myself when i think i need pushing, and i correct myself when i think i need correcting.

but how do i know when i need correcting?

well, i don’t.

up until last week, i thought i was doing it properly. i’d go through my chosen Sun Salutation every time i finished my cardio, and i felt a sense of satisfaction at having stretched out and worked my muscles.

the other day, i finished the p90x cardio dvd, turned the tv off, put on the radio, and began my Vinyasa.

as i was settling into my Warrior II pose, i caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection in the television set. it was atrocious. my legs weren’t nearly far enough apart, the neat right angle i thought my front leg was in was borderline straight, and i needed to bring my seat much closet to the ground. i adjusted until i looked correct, but it hurt. i was stretching muscles that i’d never stretch before because i hadn’t been doing it right.

i was devastated. i know you may think i’m exaggerating a little bit, but it really did have a huge impact on me. i thought i was doing so well. i thought i would be able to walk into an actual Yoga class (once we get ourselves out of debt and can budget for it again) and be proud of how far i’d come all by myself.

not so much.

that day, i learned that one very important piece of equipment in the home workout room, is a mirror. if you can swing getting a mirror to put in the area where you normally do your exercises, i highly suggest it. it will let you know if you need to straighten your arms more, deepen your stance, or raise your legs just a tad more. it will let you know if you’re bending too far or too little. most importantly- it gives you that third person perspective that you’re missing by not having an outside instructor. you can have the most expensive yoga mats, blocks and weights that money can buy, but if you’re doing the moves wrong and don’t even realize it- you aren’t going to go nearly as far as you could.

at the moment i can’t install a mirror anywhere in my house. we’re renting with the hopes to buy soon, but until we actually have a home we own i won’t be putting in something as large as a mirror. once we own a home, i’ll install some sort of mirror system in our workout area, even if i have to buy a bunch of cheap vanity mirrors and glue them to the wall like a bunch of puzzle pieces.

i feel like i’m starting all over again at beginner’s yoga, and it kind of sucks.

this past weekend, my husband and i bought my children bicycles and took them to the park for the first time to teach them how to ride. he even took my bike off the trainer, and made me ride the path so i could get a feel for my bike in “real time”. that’s the first time it’s been on the ground since the first spin i took around the driveway, before permanently propping it up on the trainer.

okay, i admit it, it was kind of nice to feel the wind in my hair. i have a few issues with riding a bike, but those are mental anxiety issues more suited for my personal blog, rather than my fitness one. anxiety aside, it was fun. the only problem? the trainer spoiled me. when i ride my trainer, i can plop my fat ass into the seat and not worry about falling over, or ever looking where i’m going. technically, i don’t even need a front wheel. i most certainly don’t need to worry about keeping it straight.

at the park, i found myself having issues keeping the bike going in the direction i wanted it to without making lots of adjustments. i began to get really nervous around all the pedestrians and their dogs.

my solution? get on my husband’s rollers.

*sigh*

had you asked me a month ago, i would have told you that i’d NEVER get on those things. they’re way too hard.

you see, a trainer just props up the back wheel, and you spin. easy-peasy. you can read a book, listen to music, or even watch a movie. it’s still a great workout, but you don’t have to worry about killing yourself on them.

the bicycle trainer i use

now, my husband? he uses a set of rollers. rollers are WAY different from a trainer, because you actually have to keep yourself upright. you have to steer, and you have to steer well. you can’t let go of the handlebars; you can’t sit back and relax just for a minute. you have to hold your bike stable and straight. i’ve tried them twice before at his urging, and after 5 minutes, i was so winded, tense, and nervous from nearly toppling over, that i never wanted to get on them again.

after realizing just how bad i am at keeping my bike stable on the road, i came to the conclusion that practicing on the rollers would be the perfect tool to give myself the reflexes necessary to keep myself as safe and skillful as possible on the road.

today, i put 20 minutes in on my husband’s rollers.

i only fell over 11 times.

towards the end i did pretty good- i even managed to max out my block upright time at a little over 4 1/2 minutes. i’m hoping i’ll get better over time, and that all this practice and massive amounts of sweat will go a long way towards keeping me safer on the road, whenever i do finally overcome my fears and childcare scheduling issues.

the rollers my husband uses (not exact physical ones- got this pic off the web, but same brand)

i am upping the ante. stepping up to the plate. graduating. moving on.

whatever.

i’ll update you again when/if i can manage at least 30 minutes without toppling over.