Dear Yoga Instructor,

Your class is great. Really, it is. When I left, my legs felt weak and although I hadn’t broken a sweat, I still got a good core workout. I am writing you today to please ask you to change something in your class. In the end, when we’re supposed to be relaxing, please don’t make a big deal of the “Corpse Pose”. Yes, it is called Corpse Pose, so I can completely understand you calling it that, but please don’t elaborate.

Saying “Now we relax into Corpse Pose. We honor what once was, but is no more” does NOT help me relax. Sure, it sounds all “zen” and stuff, but it’s depressing. Honestly, who the hell wants to think about death when they’re trying to relax?

When you said that to me during class today, my first general thought was “OMG she’s talking about death.” Then my thoughts moved forward as follows:

Ugh. someday i’m going to be dead.

I wonder if I’ll be old?

Geez, someday in the unforseeable future someone is going to poke and prod my cold, dead body and burn me to a crisp.

It’ll be like I never was.

I wonder if I will go in a dignified manner.

I hope it’s not messy.

Yuck, I hope it doesn’t hurt.

I hope it isn’t any time soon.

I really hate it when people die.

It’s so sad. It just isn’t fair sometimes.

Then you instructed us to roll over onto our right sides into a half-fetal position. You asked us to hold onto the thoughts and feelings we currently have. Maybe you thought I would be thinking relaxing thoughts, but your whole mention of death kind of ruined it for me.

Now instead of feeling refreshed and energized at the end of class, I feel hopelessly depressed due to my contemplation of my and my loved ones ultimate mortality.

Thanks a lot.

Let’s not try and repeat that next week, okay?

I have enough emotional issues already without you slipping thoughts of death into my brain.

Thank you for your time,

Nobody.

today, i finally did it. i dragged myself back to the Y, and took a Yoga class. not just any Yoga class… Power Yoga.

i wasn’t entirely sure what to expect at first. i didn’t know if it would be just a fast paced, more of the usual stuff, or a series of poses that were difficult to do and hold. luckily for me, it was the former.

i’m going to start out, by saying that i really enjoyed the class. she took us through flowing series at a medium fast pace. they weren’t too easy, and when deepened into properly, stretched me out and made my muscles shake. i take my Yoga pretty seriously. i’m not very good at it yet- i can’t yet coordinate my breath with my movements, and sometimes it’s a strain just to hold a simple Warrior 1  properly. i do give it my all, though. i deepen as far as i can, and go as difficult as i can into a pose. i try to do each move as correct as i can, paying attention to each limb as it lengthens, bends, and stretches in the various poses.

in Power Yoga, it made me work for my poses. the fast pace had me dripping in sweat by the end of the class.

actually, it was pretty embarrassing. i only have two cotton exercise pants, and they show even the tiniest bit of sweat. to my horror at the end of the class, i looked down and saw big, disgusting sweat marks between my legs. i hastily grabbed my sweatshirt, tied it around my waist, and let the arms hang over my crotch in a desperate attempt to hide the grossness.

what’s worse, i’m pretty sure i’m the only person who actually broke a sweat in that class. or at least, the only one dumb enough not to have real workout pants that don’t show sweat like that.

i also forgot a towel, so all i had was one measly tissue i swiped from the bathroom before class to wipe up sweat and the snot dripping from my nose due to allergies.

oh yeah, i was that person in class today. the one you don’t want to be near… the one you want to hose down with disinfectant and chuck in the shower because her very presence is raising the humidity levels in the room.

i was definitely not prepared for Yoga to be that sweaty. i should have anticipated it, though. i’m a woman… all woman. some women are petite and pretty. i’ve known cute, tiny women who could go all day without wearing deodorant, and not break a sweat regardless of the level of physical activity. i’m not one of those.

i am a shapely woman. i have a tiny waist, but you can’t tell because my DDs hide it. i have a rather pokey, muscular butt thanks to my cycling, and there isn’t a single part of my body that isn’t curved in some way. don’t believe me? as of 5 minutes ago, i was 5′7″, 135 lbs, and my measurements 37/28/37.5. everything i do is big… my boobs are big, my hips are big, my ankles are big, even my nose is big. i also sweat big. believe me, if i could change it, i would. i think it’s just as disgusting as you do to see someone with huge sweat marks on their clothes. especially the ones that generalize around the crotch area.

at least i got a good workout, i guess.

but i’m going to have to do something about my exercise clothes before i go back.