we’ll close on Friday, and move in over the weekend.

the crazy part? this weekend is apparently the week in which college students all over the world go back to school, so there isn’t a U-Haul available within a 100 mile radius of our city. that’s okay… i’m just glad we’re finally allowed to worry about things like that. we’re gonna have to get creative, but my husband always pulls through somehow.

oh, and i may have an ear infection and/or headcold… at least, that’s what the ache and fluid in my ears tells me. not to worry, a little extra vitamin C and i’ll be right as rain. the thing that really matters, is that we’re finally going to CLOSE ON OUR HOME. i’m hoping for smooth sailing from here on out… (hoping, but not really hopeful) we’ve earned that much, haven’t we? to be honest, i was actually beginning to wonder if my medication was making it impossible for me to feel happiness. it’s just so unnatural for me to go throughout the day without smiling even once, i thought it had to be the meds. but it wasn’t. my lips curved upward along with the burden i was carrying when i listened to my realtor tell us we were clear to close. right now i definitely have words for how i feel… profound relief. we’re moving forward again, and that feels so damn good.

unfortunately for the internet, that means light posting on every social network medium i use, including my blog. i hope you’re okay with that. i promise i’ll post a few pictures as soon as we get everything moved from one house to the other.

with any luck, by Monday i’ll be whining about all the unpacking i’m having to do….

peacelovencoffee,

Nobody

-i’m still driving MILs car. luckily, the spoiled milk smell has dissapated… unfortunately, it has been replaced with a really funk-tastic unwashed body smell emanating from the air conditioner. running the air conditioner for a few minutes with the windows open usually takes care of it.

-today is the last day in the contract extension for the house. if we don’t get papers to sign from the bank today, we may lose the house. the current homeowners may even lose the house. i hope that the person whose desk those papers are sitting on rots in a hell of their own making for at least as long as they’ve made us suffer. (we’re already pre-approved, all they have to do is review and sign. lazy bastards)

-new student registration is next week. i don’t want to have my son switch schools mid-year, but it looks like i may have no choice. if we have to find another house to buy, that will certainly be the case. my heart hurts for him, when i think of him having to adjust to yet another school, with new sets of friends, in the middle of the year.

-the only thing that has changed in me since beginning medication is my fatigue level. it’s doubled. the doctor wants me to give it another week, and if i don’t improve… double my dosage and see what that does. fun times, no? it’s difficult to pinpoint the cause of my various physical problems, since my stress levels have also doubled. there’s no telling what’s the result of stress and what’s the result of the medication.

-little things keep going wrong. i’m sure you know that when there’s one really big thing that’s wrong, all the little things are like taking little grains of salt and rubbing them in the wound.

at this point, i think i’ve actually gone numb. as i mentioned earlier, i have completely run out of words. every time i try to find a way to describe how i feel, i start with “i just…..” and words fail me every time. i always picture myself as Wile E. Coyote, running full speed ahead filled with victorious anticipation in finally catching the Road Runner. my feelings are best described by the facial expression he gets just as he realizes he’s run off the cliff, and he’s already started plunging to the bottom of a ravine. i’ve gone beyond disappointment, depression, fear and hopelessness. at this point, i’m just existing. i’m waiting for the storm to pass. i know it will… it always does. i’m just waiting to hit the bottom so i can dust myself off and start moving forward again.

i’m lucky, because i still know what matters. i know that it’s not which house we come home to, but the fact that we have a house to come home to. i know it’s not which car i drive, but the fact that i have a car to drive. i know that whenever my husband’s work holds him out for another day, we’ll get paid for that extra day. we have food in our pantry and shoes on our feet. we have friends, we have family, and we have each other. my son’s schooling may be uncertain, our living situation may be uncertain, and i may not have a car in my own name, but i have my husband’s arms around my shoulders when i need them, a dog to climb in my lap when i want her to, and beautiful children to cuddle and kiss and laugh with whenever i want to.

i have what matters. i am lucky.

i just wish that all the work we’ve done in the past few months to better our quality of life, meant something.

it’s a bit of a buzz kill, because daddy’s at work, and both sets of grandparents apparently forgot… but i didn’t. i’ve been thinking about this day for months. i can’t seem to stop looking at my beautiful little girl and wonder how i managed to create such an amazing little person. never have i seen another human being so full of life. if energy could be captured and given a face, it would look just like my daughter. everything she does is full of energy and life. she smiles huge, she cries huge. she loves big and she hates big.

she has brought so much joy into our family, imagining life without her feels quiet, cold, and empty. she has taught us all to love just a little more, to be happy just a little more. life with her is amazing and beautiful every single day.

Happy Birthday, my precious Mooky-Mooks. Mama loves you so much.

[if you want to here the whole detailed birth story, by my guest. just click HERE]

here i am in labor at the hospital, July 24th at about 9 in the morning. i had her around 2 in the afternoon.

with my mind dwelling in other places these past couple days, fix it friday didn’t bring me the joy it usually does. this picture was still fun to work with, even if it did take a little longer than usual. my first fix has my typical over contrasted color and the second one has been messed with… somehow. to be honest, i don’t exactly remember what i did. i think it had something to do with the photo filters. as usual, i used Photoshop CS to do everything.

Original Photo

First Fix

Second Fix

in the face of unavoidable disaster, there’s not much to be done. i can’t change anything. i kind of feel like i’m going numb from the inside out as things pile on and get consecutively worse. i find myself forcing my sights on the things that make me happy to take my mind off things. snuggling on the couch with my little girl, chatting with my son, and getting comforting hugs from my husband.

things have gotten to the point where i just don’t want to talk about them anymore. everyday the news gets worse, and i just want to sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling until it’s all over. but i can’t. i won’t.

in the face of disaster, i’m going to share something with you that made me smile.

this is my dog Abby. she’s a sweet dog. she’s my second child, really. my daughter is my third. Abby has been a loyal companion over the last 6 years- she comes when i call her, sits when i say sit, lies down when i say down, and gives me the best doggy kisses ever when i need a hug. she also jumps to catch a frisbee mid-air and barks at us when we raise our voices at each other. she’s smart, cute, and full of life and light.

here she is: Half Pembroke Welsh Corgie Half Australian Cattle Dog, and All Heart

she’s pretty awesome.  my daughter likes to sit in my lap while i’m in my rocking chair, and stick her toes out at the dog. she says “Ab-eeee! Toes! Ab-eeee! Toes!” and the dog will come over and lick my daughter’s toes, making her giggle and squirm. it’s really cute.

today, a commercial for Chick-fil-a came on the television.

can you see where this is going yet?

yeah, she was sitting in my lap watching television when this lovely animal comes on the screen:

do you see the resemblance? my daughter did. as soon as she saw this cow, she said “look! mom?mom? look! ABBY!”

silly girl.