who am i, and what do i do?
i spend a lot of time thinking about my constant state of mediocrity. everything i am, everything i do is mediocre. i’m not really good at anything, nothing about me is really special. never the worst, never the best. that’s me.
sometimes, i really wish i could tip the scales just a little bit. i want to be able to do something that everybody else can look at and say “wow, you’re really good at that”. it would be nice.
typically, my talents (or desire?) tend to run toward the creative and artistic. the only problem? i reach that point of being mediocre at whatever it is i’m trying, and i suddenly lose the will to finish it, or continue with my practices. lately, i’ve been wanting to get back into something. to dedicate my time to something, so that when i die my kids can go through all my crap and say “wow, mom was really good at this”. it’s not important to me to be published, or to sell whatever it is that i choose to do… i just want to feel confident and pleased that i can do something with an above average skill other than watch tv.
lately, i’ve been struggling with problems in eating. (which are explained in a whole other blog) in my struggle towards self discovery, i’ve realized that a lot of my problems with over-eating are related to my television watching time. when i’m sitting on the couch, completely inert, my hands want to do something. what do they reach for? an entire sleeve of crackers. a whole bowl of popcorn. enough cookies to choke a horse. my solution? keep my hands busy, stop watching so much damn television.
in highschool, i wrote shitty poetry. lots, and lots of shitty, emotional, depressing poetry.
in college, i sketched. my original design skills are a little lacking, but i had fun sketching pictures of fairies and fantastical creatures that i liked.
in my early years of motherhood, i hand sewed things. i made quilted pillows, beaded pillows, and other things… but sewing was something that i never even quite got mediocre at. i blame it on lack of training, and the inability to learn through any method other than hands-on training.
once i got over sewing, i started writing fantasy fiction. my hard-drive is chock full of imaginary worlds and castles whose tales will never be finished. the longest i ever got into a story was 50 pages of a single-spaced microsoft word document. i think about that girl i was writing about every day, and i still don’t know where she goes after the last word i typed.
after i stopped writing, i got into calligraphy. i even designed my own christmas cards one year, and hand wrote in calligraphy every single address on the envelopes. i stopped, because i just lost the will and desire to practice.
recently, i started taking pictures. i won’t say photography, because i’m not good enough to even call myself an amateur photographer. unfortunately, i’ve ceased all picture taking on account of the depressing winter and a complete unwillingness to subject myself and my children to the cold.
with the onset of winter, i fell stagnant. after so many different failed hobbies, what is left to me? today, i watch tv and i change diapers. i clean the house and i make dinner. i ride my bicycle and i attempt Yoga. but what about that is special? what about that is me? sure, i blog… but anyone can blog the crap that clutters up their brain. i’m hoping to turn my yoga into something, but right now it’s to early to tell if it will be more than just an exercise to stay limber and increase my flexibility.
i don’t know what i can do to motivate myself to find my creative niche in life. my first step, is to motivate myself by giving myself nothing else to do. i have already decided to cut down on my tv watching time… television has been detrimental to my weight (to me, tv and snacking are like each side of a coin. you can’t have one without the other) so i am cutting out some of my shows. the ones that i like, but i don’t see going anywhere have already been eliminated from my dvr. last night, when i realized i didn’t have anything to watch on television, and i could feel the late-night hunger creeping up on me, i got off my butt and did some Yoga. then i went to bed 2 hours early because i was hungry and sore, and if i didn’t, i’d resort to food.
in the weeks following, instead of eating out of boredom, i am going to take up sketching again. or writing. or more yoga. or take my kids to the park and snap a thousand more pictures of them. or heck…maybe i’ll even crochet a blanket. i only know how to one stitch, but one stitch can make a blanket, even if it is boring.
SO.
if i actually succeed in some sort of self discovery, i’ll let you know.
is it lunch time yet? i’m starving.