i just got a message regarding my 10 year high school reunion, which just happens to be this year. (i was c/o 2000, for those of you who don’t care to do the math)
in ten years, a lot can happen to a person. in ten years, a lot has happened to me. isn’t it amazing how much things can change over the years, but no matter how different things are, i can still feel the old flush of hormonal teenage hatred and anger when i think of highschool? yep, i was one of those.
when i think back on it, i honestly have no idea how i was perceived by my classmates… i was too busy drowning in a tidal wave of teenage angst and anger. i was depressed, and because of that i didn’t pay much attention to the actual people around me. whenever possible, i had my nose stuck in a book while worrying that everybody hated me. i think a lot of people viewed me as stuck up because i didn’t talk much, and others viewed me as loud and obnoxious because i talked too much. at least, that’s what i heard from somebody a couple years after i graduated. fucking gossip never stops, does it? i don’t have any good memories of high school at all.
through facebook, i’ve gotten back in touch with a lot of my old HS classmates, and with my new adult perspective i’ve found that some of them are actually interesting people. now that we’re all grown up, mostly with families of our own, we actually have things in common that we can talk about. if i were to visit some of my old classmates, i think we could even have a good time at the park while our children played and we caught up on old times. so why does the idea of going to my HS reunion still feel like a lead ball of anger and resentment in my stomach? when i think of some of the people i used to go to school with, i see flashes of their high school selves and i hated those people. i didn’t even really like the ones i liked because even amongst my friends i never really fit in. (all my real friends, the ones who i actually hung out with, graduated a year or two before me)
luckily, after i post this blog, i will be able to dismiss the idea of a high school reunion from my mind forever. for me, visiting my old alma mater isn’t even in question. when my husband and i relocated for his job and a better life, we moved more than 8 hours from my home town. the only reason i’d ever go back there would be to visit my parents and siblings, and my parents and sister moved to Virginia several years ago, and my brother is roving in the Army. i have nothing left in Tennessee except bad memories and a few facebook acquaintances.
*sigh* but a small part of me still wants to go back and say “see look at me! i have a beautiful family and i’m 15 pounds lighter than i was last time i saw you! look at me! i did good!” fortunately, that’s a very, very small part of me.
i’m glad that i moved away so going back isn’t even an option. i’m a completely different person now, and i kind of hate who i used to be just as much as who i used to be hated high school. when i think about her, i think about how selfish and self centered she was. how lazy and utterly clueless and stupid she used to be. she spent her entire highschool career worrying about being liked, rather than setting herself up for a decent career. she made so many mistakes…
kinda makes me wonder what the “middle-aged” me will think about the “young mom” me.
but that’s a blog for another…decade.