i knew this day had to come. i honestly thought it would be a little bit easier when it did. i know there are babies out there who just lose interest in nursing, and self wean. E is not one of them.
but now, she is 15 months old. at this point, nursing is for nothing more than a comfort mechanism for her, and a “quality snuggle time device” for me. i haven’t had any problems with her at all. she began nursing voraciously from the very beginning, and immediately after she was born my colostrum came in so thick and plentiful, that after the first nap i took with my daughter, the entire front of my hospital gown was soaking wet. we didn’t get thrush, or have latch problems. she was able to drink from a bottle with no problems, take a paci without nipple confusion, and she only attempted to bite me 3 times. each time was in the first stages of teething, and when i cried out, she let go and cried too.
i do NOT want to nurse a child over the age of two. two year olds aren’t meant to have breast milk anyways. i want to begin the weaning process now, so we can take as much time as we need to get it done with minimal fuss… but it’s still hard for me. we only nurse first thing in the morning, before the afternoon nap, and right before bed. if she wakes up smiling, we skip the morning nursing session. i also nurse her through a maximum of 2 night sessions… if she wakes up more than that, i just lay her back down and let her work it out herself.
my first step towards weaning is eliminating the regular afternoon pre-nap nursing session. this was a lot harder than i thought it would be. yesterday i did the usual routine…i changed her diaper, gave her a paci, and instead of sitting down in the rocking chair and nursing, i put her straight to bed.
she did not like that. she pulled her paci out of her mouth, reached for me with both hands, and started crying. i put the paci back in her mouth, turned on her glowing seahorse, and walked out.
there’s nothing worse than hearing your child cry for you, and have to walk away. it absolutely broke my heart. i wanted to cry as much as she did. not because she wasn’t nursing, but because i was disappointing her. denying her something that she wants, that is healthy and comforting to her. but she can’t have it forever, or even much longer, so it has to be done. doesn’t make it any easier.
i didn’t have any problems weaning my son when he was 4 months old. he was a lovey little boy (and still is) and i never had a problem getting hugs from him. with E, it’s different. ever since she discovered mobility, the only way i can get her to sit still and snuggle with me is during our nursing sessions.
she’s so cute. when i give her the paci she pops it in her mouth. then we sit down in our rocking chair, and she grabs the paci and flings it away giggling like she’s some dramatic movie actress. then she nurses as her excited eyes are replaced by sleepy eyelids. it’s sweet. it’s our thing. and i have to let it go.
mentally, i don’t want to nurse anymore. my boobs are 34 H’s. that ain’t fun. i want to feel that if something happened to me, she would be fine because she wouldn’t miss the nursing sessions that have been there since the day she was born. she’s a big girl… talking and eating regular food. mentally, i am ready for this to be over.
emotionally, i am really going to miss my snuggle time with my little girl. i know all too fast how quickly babies grow up, and i want to treasure every moment with her. i don’t want to rush anything that doesn’t need to be rushed, because i’ll never have the opportunity to do it again. i want to engrave her sweet babble into my eardrums, and the funny little things she does, that only babies do, into my heart forever. i want to snuggle with her at night, and watch while she flings her paci away like a dancer with a rose.
but i can’t, because babies are meant to grow up.
the idea is slightly liberating… that’s a good feeling, but in my heart it still makes me sad to think of my babies needing me for less and less.
BUT that being said, i absolutely REFUSE to be one of those creepies who hold on to their children as hard as they can and continue to nurse into early/late childhood. when a mother nurses her child beyond 2 years, it’s no longer a matter of doing what’s best for the child… it’s the mother being unable let go of her child’s babyhood. and that’s just wrong.
but that’s just my 2ยข.
doesn’t make it any easier.