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The Twatlace

  • Posted on October 27, 2009 at 9:16 pm

a friend of mine at A Surprisingly Sane Blog found and posted about this today, and i absolutely have to share it with you. it made me laugh. it made my jaw drop. it made me blush ten shades of crimson, and it made my eyebrows draw up into my forehead so far they may never actually come down again. if you’re in work or at a public computer, you may want to hold off on clicking the link. sorry. just remember to come back when you get home, because as horrifying as it is, it’s something you’re not gonna wanna miss.

behold, the Twatlace. or, as the maker of this fine piece of jewelry calls it, the Vulva Portrait Pendant.

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OMFG RU SERIOUS??? yes, apparently they are. okay, i get the whole respect for the vag thing. i really do. after reading why this person does what they do, i get that it’s most likely a coping mechanism for dealing with a traumatic childhood full of rape, abuse, and self-hate. i honestly hope that this person has found their place in life making these Twatlaces, and that making them makes the artist happy. (’cause as vulgar as it is, it’s definitely art)

personal feelings aside, each piece is definitely an individual work of art that probably has a place… uh, somewhere. probably right next to that woman who casts rock star penises for a living. hell, i may even get my husband a set of boob pillows for christmas. no, not really. i could probably make them myself… anyways.

personal feelings about these necklaces taken into account… they really freak me out. i can honestly say i’ve never seen a vagina from such a straight on, exposed point of view. sure, i’ve done the mirror thing before… most healthy women have. but ladies, vaginas are between our legs for a reason. they’re only meant to be revealed to partners whom we choose, and they certainly aren’t meant to be viewed by ourselves. i am not a lesbian or a narcissist and i don’t want anybody other than my doctor or husband to know every wave and wrinkle my vagina is sporting. i think i’ll pass on one of those things.

who the hell would want to wear that? sure, penis earrings are funny at a bridal shower, and my husband and i once had a boob stress ball we got in a grab bag at a sex shop… but that’s just it. they’re supposed to be funny. they don’t take themselves seriously.  this artist is dead serious about vag empowerment and showing off your (or someone else’s) vagina on a necklace, key chain, or cellphone charm. they are just too detailed to be funny as a gag gift. i admit, the one on the very bottom almost looks like a lily, (so that’s why it’s called “gilding the lily”) and it’s *almost* but still definitely not pretty. again i say, who would want to wear something like that? i have a sneaking suspicion that the only people buying those things are sexually repressed freaks who want to use it as a masturbation prop. somehow, i don’t think that’s what the artist had in mind, ya know?

i think the artist should have a set up in some swanky New York studio where they can host dinner parties with other artsy-fartsy people who will “get it”. NOT set up on etsy where soccer moms are looking for cute homemade items. but then again, i don’t think the swanky New York snobby artists would be into a Frida Kahlo Uterus Plushie either. i’m not sure where Twatlaces place is. if you figure it out, let me know so i can go the other direction, mmkay?

this actually tops the free box of tampons on Craigslist someone posted about on Facebook the other day.

damn.

Baby Einstein SCAM

  • Posted on at 3:08 pm

apparently, Disney is offering a refund for Baby Einstein videos. it has been revealed that parking your baby in front of the television to zombie out to the sultry sounds and visual effects of Baby Einstein won’t turn your kid into a genius.

NO SHIT????!

well fuck me sideways with a spoon i want my money back! and here i thought that we had finally discovered the magical easy way out of parenting. you mean i’m actually going to have to have a conversation with my toddler? that they won’t learn intrapersonal dynamics and mathematical skills by watching little toys speed across the screen while listening to Bach? my child won’t be reciting particle physics when we’re done with the dvd???

i am so disappointed.

oh wait. that’s not why i bought Baby Einstein. i bought it because it affords me a blessed 30 minutes of relative silence while i load the dishwasher, or dry my hair. it helps calm a pre-bedtime melt down, and it does expose my kids to classical music in a fun, interesting way they can relate to. that’s why i bought Baby Einstein videos.

what i want to know, is what kind of dumbass complained so much about it, that they forced it to become a news article? a popular news article.

c’mon people! use common sense. of course a damn dvd isn’t going to make your kid into a genius. realistically, kids shouldn’t be watching tv at all… i’ve always considered Baby Einstein to be the lesser of the evils. (for the record, my 15 month old is watching nick jr. RIGHT NOW)

first of all, not everybody can be a genius. i know, it’s a hard pill to swallow… but not everybody’s kid can be the next Stephen Hawking, and even if he could, i’m pretty sure that Baby Einstein doesn’t cover Theoretical Physics.

i think that the people who actually thought Baby Einstein would make their kid smarter, and then bitched and moaned about it when it didn’t, should probably step back and re-evaluate their parenting methods. (or lack of such) when teaching your children new things (making them “smarter”) you actually have to teach them. that involves personal interaction. sadly, some parents nowadays don’t actually want to work for their little mensa members. the idea that there’s an easy way out of parenting cast such a lovely sparkle, that it must have put their brains into seizure…i think that if a person doesn’t want to work with their child to help them, then they probably have no business having kids in the first place. or at least own up, and admit that you just want your kid to shut up for 30 minutes so you can prepare dinner. don’t expect miracles from a dvd.

mostly, i think that getting upset because Baby Einstein videos won’t turn your kid into a genius, is just plain stupid. i own several Baby Einstein videos myself, and i never for one minute thought it would make my kid smarter… i just thought it worked a little better than its competitors in keeping the kids quiet.

speaking of such kids, i have to go pick one of them up from school. because that’s where kids go to get smarter when their parents (such as myself) feel they don’t have the qualifications to help them blossom into genius’s.

*eyeroll*