Nobody's Nothings Life, the Universe and Everything

put shoes and jewelry on a baby. 

publicly blog and dish about parts of my personal life that are probably better left stuffed in a closet and locked away for ever. 

become good friends with people i meet online. and not just become good friends, but meet a possible soul sister in one of them, despite never having met in person. btw- if you turn out to be a creepy stalker, never tell me. let me enjoy the idea that there is somebody out there as nuts as i am, for as long as i can, mkay?

watch reality television. 

i can’t believe i have gotten sucked into reality tv. when it first got popular (i remember the original reality shows such as road rules and that other one whose name i don’t remember…i never watched them, though) i thought it was stupid. i stood in the background nodding my head everytime i heard someone say that reality tv is taking over. i agreed when they said it was stupid, mindless television and that there was just no good shows on any longer. 

for those of you who haven’t quite gotten into the reality show craze, be wary. it creeps up on you slowly. my addiction started innocently… i liked watching UFC with my husband, so naturally when Ultimate Fighter started, we decided to watch it together as well. 

that lead to giving Top Chef a try because it came on right after. we loved it, more than even Ultimate Fighter. so if we’re watching top chef, why not Hell’s Kitchen? Hell’s Kitchen turned out to be a train wreck… the chefs weren’t as talented as the ones on Top Chef, and it wasn’t quite as good watching them… but we couldn’t keep our eyes off it. 

then one day, i was sitting on the couch, channel surfing because i had another bad night with the baby and didn’t feel like moving. naturally, there’s nothing on. 

what do i finally settle on? Project Runway. i can’t keep my eyes off it! it is SO COOL how these designers take a concept and piece together little chunks of fabric to make awesome designer clothing. how do they DO that??? i HAVE to catch the next season!!! but wait? there’s a competing show coming on soon? i have got to tivo that one too!!!

well, one day after watching Project Runway, that show about being a super model comes on. (can you make me a supermodel, or something like that) i catch a little bit of it, and watching them transform from skinny, pale bitches to hot-n-sassy models for the sake of a photograph is just too tempting. not to mention that the guys aren’t too hard on the eyes… it’s just so interesting to see all the different things they can do with their hair and make up. not to mention it’s neat to see the personalities behind all that paint when they’re back at the house. look at those girls. they’re all average looking, although really skinny. some of them even have ugly faces. it’s fascinating to see them transform those anorexic sluts into fashion icons…

that’s another show on the tivo list…

and then yesterday. oh, yesterday. 

am i the only who’s noticed all the reruns of America’s Top Model??? i can’t help it… it’s so much like the other supermodel show, i have to give it a chance. and for real…it is so totally cool to see what they do to get those pictures. the make-up is amazing. the clothes? so cool. don’t even get me started on the hair stylists! i can’t miss it. and besides… Tyra is way different than i expected her to be. she’s sweet and sassy, and just a little bit bitchy but totally fabulous. 

i’ve even caught a couple episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race. it was actually interesting. seeing RuPaul herself dressed in male clothing, and seeing all those men in their “natural” looks, then dress in drag was quite a fascinating transformation. RuPaul also has a heart of gold. that was unexpected, although i’m not sure why. i guess it’s because all the drag queens i’ve met have lived up to the title of “queen”. they were catty and bitchy and always acted like they had something to prove. which i guess to most people, they probably did. but RuPaul must have reached a point in his/her fame in which she doesn’t have anything left to prove, so she is (well, seems to be on her show, at least) genuine, kind, and can see the good in everybody. she doesn’t linger on the negative. i find it interesting, and a good lesson in “don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” because as much as i would like to say it isn’t so, most people look at a drag queen and pass judgement immediately. 

yes people, reality television will suck you in and take you down. they are the lion, and you are the gazelle. it may not be you that goes down next… but there is always time. Gazelle’s don’t die of old age…

okay, that last sentence was just weird. 

while i am a professed reality addict, i do realize that just because it’s “reality” tv, doesn’t make it real. i understand that these people are still part of a television show… they DO put on masks for the cameras to some extent. i’m not one of those freaked out reality geeks that fool myself into thinking it’s 100% real. but i still find it very interesting. i still Tivo it. 

i am addicted to reality television. 

i completely blame myself for K’s speech delay. when i told that to the speech therapist, she went on a big “don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault, blahblahblah” tangent. honestly, it sounded like a rehersed speech reserved for the mommies of children with severe mental disabilities, and i dismissed her words pretty quickly. no, the parent of the autistic child is not at fault for their child’s autism, but the parent who gives their child bottles until they’re 5 years old IS at fault for their child’s inability to drink from a cup.

just like, the parent who never speaks to their child and doesn’t expose them to other people IS at fault for their child’s speech delay.

with K, i was a young mother in a new relationship. we had just moved a thousand miles from all friends and family and my husband had just gotten a job that required him to be away from us for days at a time. K was at the age where he should have been saying his first words by watching other people say them, but his mom was completely isolated from society, and so was he.

i did my best to raise my son through his infancy, but ultimately i was horribly depressed and it was all i could do to get through a day without laying down to die. i am a naturally quiet person in a social situation, and when you stick me alone in an apartment with nobody to talk to for days on end but a baby…well, let’s just say that i didn’t exactly spend my days talking to my baby. i taught myself to quilt and bead and read books like a mad woman, sure. but i have a hard enough time thinking of things to say to adults, let alone a baby.

K was as sweet as a baby could be. he was, and still is, mommy’s little sweetheart. we never had that “aha” moment with his first word. one day he was doing nothing but grunting out his demands, the next he was saying “niwk” (which is still K speak for Milk) and “baba” (his request for Spongebob, which was recorded as his official first word) there was no babbling progression from “dadadadadada” to “mamamamamma” to “dada” and “mama”. i don’t remember him babbling at all.

one thing i have learned about children over the years, is that they all do things in their own sweet time. you can’t force them to say their first words, although you can help them by talking to them constantly. you can’t force them to potty train by a certain time, but you can help them by being consistent and persistent. getting visibly angry and stressed out only forces their progress backwards, and sometimes all you can do is take a step back and look at your child. look at your child, and see how beautiful or handsome they are, and hug them and love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

not every child will say their first words when the doctors say they should. not every child will potty train when the doctors say they should. not every baby is ready for solids when the doctors say they should be.

keeping that in mind, i am trying very, very hard not to get frustrated with my little girl when i try to give her single grain baby oatmeal for breakfast, and she gags. moments like that, i have to take a deep breath, and while i’m picking her and her empty tummy up out of her high chair, remember that she is just a baby. she isn’t ready to eat a whole bowl of oatmeal, and that is OKAY.

she’s not crawling yet, but she is soooo close.

regarding first words… i don’t know. i think we’re at a cross roads right now. she’s gone through the “dadadadadadada” babbling stage. right now she’s in the “mamamamama” babbling stage. when she said “dadadada” it was to everything in general. i don’t know if that’s the same case with the “mamas” because she’s gotten to where when she is sad she’ll sit there and cry “mama” (just the two syllables, not the long babble) until i get her. sometimes when she’s sitting on my lap she happily garble out “mama” “mama”. it’s so cute. i don’t know if she knows that i’m mama, but i do know that when she lays on the floor crying miserably moaning out “mama mama mama” it makes me feel so bad, whether she means it towards me or not.

she is currently taking her first nap of the day a mere 1 hour after getting up for the day because she is utterly miserable. i wish i could help her, but i just don’t know what to do. we’ve started the first round of her new antibiotics today, and i just hope that it starts to work soon. i am utterly worn out physically, and spiritually. it is so hard to see her sitting there crying and moaning in misery. it is hard to send my son out the door first thing in the morning with huge bags under his eyes, and have my husband come home everyday complaining about being exhausted because the baby kept everybody in the house awake all night yet again.

i am tired of living on generic catch phrases like “she’ll grow out of it” and “before you know it you’ll be sending her off to school, wishing you had her baby years back”. i don’t want her to grow out of it. i want to enjoy her babyhood while she’s still a baby! i want her to not grow out of it, but to not BE grouchy and miserable at all.

we already know i have issues regarding having more children. the issues being, i desperately want more, but J doesn’t. we all also know that J has had a vasectomy, so i will never have more children, and it pretty much breaks my heart.

i can’t help but be even more stressed out and depressed that i feel like i am wasting the last time i will raise a baby. my sweet moments with my daughter are few and far between because she is so independant and strong willed. i can’t snuggle with my baby when she’s sick- she doesn’t like being held. i can’t play with her on the floor, she wants to crawl (okay, wiggle) all over the place. the only time i can get my baby close to me is when she’s nursing, and she has ALWAYS nursed a full meal in 5 minutes flat. i have spent my daughter’s entire infancy in a fog of exhaustion and depression. i will never take care of another baby again. i will never be pregnant again. i will never experience any of her firsts with a baby again, and i am so exhausted i feel like i can’t properly enjoy them.

even now, my blog isn’t making any damn sense. my thoughts bubble to the surface like swamp gas, one at a time, and completely randomly. if i don’t record them as they come, i’ll lose them all together, but there is no sense or proper form to them.

ugh.

i am so tired of being tired. i think that if i could get through her infancy knowing that my experiences with her won’t be my last with a baby i might handle it better. i think if i didn’t have all these conflicting emotions, magnified by exhaustion, i could handle it better.

but i can’t.

okay.

i’ve just run out of gas.

i’m not sure what i accomplished by recording my thoughts randomly this morning, but hey. for me, writing is my only therapy, so i must have accomplished something….right?

so much for being more positive, huh.

um. hey! we’re moving in 8 days. in a last desperate attempt to be more positive, i won’t mention that i haven’t packed much of anything yet. i won’t mention that i’m dreading all the work it will take to get moved, and that i’m going to have to take serious inventory of my kitchen supplies, since i think i sold most of them at a garage sale a couple years ago. i WILL however, mention that J got the carpet professionally steam cleaned and de-odorized yesterday, and i am very excited about that! hoorah.

damn.

i should have taken a nap while the baby was sleeping.