moving sucks. i’ve moved 5 times since my son was born, and each time it gets harder. this time, we have more shit than we’ve ever had before, and i have no help packing. J is working literally all the time, so here i am. by myself, staring with a mound of random scattered objects and not enough boxes or paper to wrap them in. the baby is screaming because she’s penned up and being ignored. my boy is competing for my attention. my MIL is a moron. ARGH. it still hasn’t sunk in that the day after tomorrow, we will be spending the night in a different house. we’ve stayed in our current location the longest since i moved out of my own parents house, (3 whole years!) and it’s going to take some adjusting to. all of you who’ve im’ed, texted, or e-mailed me in the past week probably know all this… how nervous and frustrated i am is all i can talk about!
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Just a Note…
to top it off, K is home. for the summer. he is already driving me up the wall. have i mentioned this already? i can’t remember if i posted about that this morning or not… so i won’t get into it. but let’s just say, i miss the baby’s quiet nap time. today, it lasted a whole 30 minutes because K felt the need to stomp through the house searching for me. i HATE carpet, but i won’t miss the noisy wood.
we’re having pizza and a movie for dinner an hour early tonight, because if i don’t relax i’m probably going to run away. i’ve given up trying to box up our stuff. our house looks like a tornado hit it, and for a girl who is fairly neurotic about clutter, i am losing my mind.
seriously, i HATE clutter. decorations spread out on a table for no reason other to look pretty, irritate the hell out of me. not that i hold it against you if you do it… i think it’s just more trauma from my childhood rearing it’s ugly head. my parents weren’t the cleanest of folk, and i’m pretty sure the only reason they had kids was so they’d have someone to clean for them. a few years of conditioning, and BAM you have a neat freak. also, my MIL loves decorative shit, and naturally everything she does pisses me off, so decorative shit pisses me off too. i’m not so bad that i HAVE to clean right now, or that i won’t put up a picture frame, or that i’m going to pull my hair out or anything, but it is really pissing me off. like, really. and, talk about being a hypocrite… i collect fantasy figurines. (like dragons, fairies, wizards, etc.) it’s my pointless guilty pleasure, and the collection started in highschool. i don’t have many, and haven’t added to it for years, but i love it.
anyways. just had to get that out there.
you can move on with your lives now, thank you for your time.
Chatter
well. the moving date has been moved YET AGAIN. i’m pretty sure it’s official this time, because it involves outside appointments. 
we’re going to the house tomorrow to move delicate objects (like our television) and to be there during the cable/internet install. i’ll probably put a good bleach cleaning on the bathrooms and kitchen while i’m there too. we’ll be picking up a UHaul on Saturday morning, and officially moving everything then. J’s got a friend from work coming to help out, while i get to take care of the kids. geez, am i a lucky girl or what??? (no sarcasm there, for once) i hate moving, and would much rather watch the kids and unpack plates while the boys wrestle with our furniture.
K is officially out of school for the summer! meaning i need to get off my ass and get him to the eye doctor… it’s become a state law that kids need to have an eye check up before enrolling in school, and i havent’ done that yet. i signed a waiver for his kindergarten year, but because we’re moving to a different school district i have no more excuses. gotta get that done.
i also have to say, that i am missing my morning quiet time. with a baby, i feed her as soon as i get up, chuck her in the jumperoo, make my coffee, and sit on the couch with my computer and do my “morning thing” in the relative quiet. it’s very peaceful, and helps get me geared up for the rest of the day. now, i have a 6 year old nagging me for breakfast and idle conversation. it’s back to being a full time mom of two, i guess. now i know why parents were never as excited about summer vacation as we were!
another side note, i can’t wait until i can get up in the morning, and not have my skin crawl as my MIL walks over to ask me yet another stupid question. (did you get the mail yesterday? when did this package come?) i can’t wait until i can get into the kitchen without having to climb over a babygate because she brought McCreepy’s stupid giant poodle over yet again. never trust a man who’s dog is a giant poodle. oh, and did i mention i won’t have to drive 45 minutes to go grocery shopping… YEAH!!!! anyways.
enough meaningless morning chatter. i’m just trying to prolong actually getting my ass to work…
Oh, Happy Day!
i slept in just a little bit, and i actually feel kinda good today.
okay, it’s probably got more to do with the fact that we just used our tax return to PAY OFF 2 OUT OF 3 CREDIT CARDS but, hey, i’ll probably see positivity around every corner this morning. wouldn’t you be thrilled? especially if you were in debt as much as we are! i admit, we’ve made some seriously disgusting mistakes with money over the past few years. the one credit card we have left was mainly for business stuff, but with our high interest rates, you will not believe how much money a month this will save us. 
we are trying desperately to repair our credit so in 5 years time we can buy a home. a few years ago we foreclosed on a home (yet another financial mistake) and since then our financial status has been going to hell. once our credit cards sniffed out the foreclosure, our interest rates shot sky high. our payments went up, and everytime we’d put a large payment on a card, they’d snap our limit back like a fucking rubber band, so we STILL didn’t have any credit available to us. well….WHO’S LAUGHING NOW??? the only card we have left is the one that had the decency to still keep its rates low.
we are trying desperately to repair our credit so in 5 years time we can buy a home. a few years ago we foreclosed on a home (yet another financial mistake) and since then our financial status has been going to hell. once our credit cards sniffed out the foreclosure, our interest rates shot sky high. our payments went up, and everytime we’d put a large payment on a card, they’d snap our limit back like a fucking rubber band, so we STILL didn’t have any credit available to us. well….WHO’S LAUGHING NOW??? the only card we have left is the one that had the decency to still keep its rates low. so. that was the start to my morning.
oh, that and i woke up and apparently everybody suddenly decided to blog while i was sleeping last night. i tell you, it was pretty exciting to settle down to do my morning routine, and see all those new posts there. at the moment, the blogs i read are like my only social life, so it’s extra exciting when people post.
now. moving on.
i’m re-thinking the whole “making and selling cloth diapers” thing. no, i’m not giving up yet… damnit. BUT i think that instead of trying to make a one size pocket diaper, i am going to go the route of cute diaper covers instead. of course, that’s a bit of a problem for me since i’ve never actually seen a diaper cover in person. i’m putting an order in today with Cotton Babies for a “prefolds and covers try it kit”. hopefully, i can get a good idea as to what works and what doesn’t, and i’ll be able to order some Pul soon, so i can actually start to make something usable.
*TMI ALERT*
i’ve also been considering making cloth “mommy pads”. NONONO, not for menstrual care. i get that cloth is environmentally healthy and all that, but i absolutely refuse to wash out bloody napkins on a monthly basis. sorry, that shit is staying disposable. BUT, for the “other” times, i think cloth might work. if i can manage to make something discreet (in other words, color-coordinating with common underwear colors) and contoured to fit (thongs too) i might be able to make it work. it’s just a thought. we’ll see where it goes, eh?
*END OF TMI*
oh…and last night was K’s kindergarten graduation! it was cute… the elementary school is really small. there are 34 students total (or really close to that) from grades K-8th. the graduation was an awards ceremony, and a graduation ceremony for the kindergarteners and the ONE 8th grader. the 5 kindergarteners looked so cute up there with their little hats on, so proud of themselves. today is the last day of school, but i think the teachers have to be there all week. we’re going into town today, and i’m going to get a present for K’s teacher and the school secretary. hopefully they’ll both be there tomorrow so we can give it to them. they certainly deserve it, from us at least. K was a good kid, but nobody but his mama should have to deal with the poop or throw up incidents that he had.
they certainly deserve it, from us at least. K was a good kid, but nobody but his mama should have to deal with the poop or throw up incidents that he had. anyways.
the only problem i had with the graduation, is that it lasted FOREVER. it went from 7-9pm, and that’s just a bit much for an elementary school graduation…i my opinion. but apparently it’s usually longer than that! my shoulders are actually sore from bouncing the baby around. the silly girl won’t go to sleep anywhere except her crib, pack n play, or car seat. that makes for a very grouchy baby after an hour or so. but K had fun, and i guess that’s what matters. i’m just glad it’s over!
well. that’s that for now. we’re planning the move for Friday… i know. first it was thursday, then it was saturday, now it’s friday. but i think we’re actually going to stick with friday, since that’s when we scheduled the cable install. (hell NO i’m not going without my tv or internet!!!) i’ll keep you updated on that…please send “easy move” vibes as much as you can! i despise moving, and doing it with a couple kids in tow is not something i’m NOT looking foward to.
on that note, i’m going to finish placing my order for the prefolds and covers. here’s my words of wisdom for the day….
if an air freshener makes your room smell like a low class french whore, don’t use it.
Just When I Think I Can’t Take It Anymore…
…life slaps me upside the head and says “cheer up dumb bitch, your life is GREAT!”
yeah, so i’m tired. i’ve been tired for a long time now. i think it’s about time i got used to it. there’s only so many times a girl can say “i’m having chips and coke for dinner because i’m exhausted and i deserve to let loose tonight.” sure, that works every once in a while, but when you’ve been exhausted since giving birth to a banshee- there is a point where enough is enough. okay, well i could just let myself weigh 300 lbs and die of a heart attack before i reach 35, but damnit- i want to live long enough to spoil my grand AND great grand children rotten.
of course, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture when i’m so tired i can’t focus on anything. that’s where the “slap upside the head” comes into play.
so, i have a little sister. she’s 6 years younger than me, so right about the time i hit puberty, she had just started to notice the world outside of her barbies. she worshipped me- but i was completely clueless. i had a really rough time with puberty, severe depression being only a small part of it. i didn’t pay much attention to my little sister. my brother and i (he’s 5 years younger than me) got along a little better, but my brother also gets along with everybody. he’s laid back and cool like that. so anyways, i didn’t pay much attention to my sister, and by the time my hormones had somewhat stabilized (at 19) i was not only living away from home, but i got pregnant and had more to worry about than forging a relationship with my sister.
once i realized what damage i did to our relationship, she was going through her rough time, and didn’t want anymore to do with me than i had with her 5 years earlier.
now, she’s out of that “bad” spot, and doing really well. she’s a manager at American Eagle, she has a steady boyfriend and is moving in with him and his parents this weekend. she’s tall and beautiful and built like a supermodel. she’s sweet, and interesting, and has turned out to be quite the person. somewhere over the years, my awkward little sister turned into an amazing woman. i’m so proud of her. *sniff*
*sniff*i just wished i could live closer to her so i could actually get to know her as a person, and not just my sister, ya know?
sadly, the idea of taking a vacation with my children in tow nearly makes me break out in hives. K was always great, but i can’t even take E to the grocery store without breaking out in a cold sweat. because of that, i won’t be able to see my family for a long time. my brother has come up here to visit us twice while on leave (he’s in the army) but my sister just has too much going on in her life to fit a visit in to me. i completely understand… i’m not going anywhere either, ya know?
welllll…….we talked today (via text) and she’s gonna try and visit soon!!! she wants to be my fashion advisor for when i buy the clothes i earned by losing weight and working out regularly. i can dig that. being fashionably dressed is something that i’ve never been good at. it’s caused me much pain in the past, so any help is welcome help…but help from my sister would be awesome.
i can dig that. being fashionably dressed is something that i’ve never been good at. it’s caused me much pain in the past, so any help is welcome help…but help from my sister would be awesome. i also got a mother’s day gift from her. it arrived in the mail today. she said i may not be her mom, but i’m a mom and she knew i’d like it, so she got it for me.
she said i may not be her mom, but i’m a mom and she knew i’d like it, so she got it for me. it’s a Coach Purse. or is it Bag? my fashion lingo is as off as my style…but it’s a big one. she told me that she remembered me saying that i always wanted one, and figured that i’m raising two kids so i deserve one.
i am still trying to figure out what on earth i did to deserve such a great family. the gift alone is amazing, but she actually remembered what i said earlier, and bought it for me as a gift based on what i said. how sweet is that?????
i am trying desperately to find words that accurately describe why it touches me so much that she would do something like that for me (’cause we all know that stuff ain’t cheap!) but i can’t.
my daughter makes me feel like pulling my hair out. my daughter makes me feel like the entire universe is conspiring against me, and my son randomly gets sullen and depressed and i can’t figure out why. my husband…well, i won’t post that stuff out of respect for our privacy. i want to lay down and cry sometimes because i feel so damn alone. i want to lay down and cry because this is not the life i would have chosen for myself, but i know if i had the chance to redo it all, i wouldn’t because of my children. sometimes i feel like i am the only person in the world who realizes i exist.
then the slap upside the head happens, and i realize that just because things didn’t work out ideally, doesn’t mean my life isn’t damn good. i have great kids. i have a good husband. i have a sister and a brother who will be there until we’re all old and gray. i’m not alone…people do think about me, and care about me. E is just a baby, and K is just a little boy trying to find his place in the world. my husband and i can work anything out. my little sister has grown into an amazing woman, and i don’t need to worry about her anymore. my little brother is an American hero.
i have great kids. i have a good husband. i have a sister and a brother who will be there until we’re all old and gray. i’m not alone…people do think about me, and care about me. E is just a baby, and K is just a little boy trying to find his place in the world. my husband and i can work anything out. my little sister has grown into an amazing woman, and i don’t need to worry about her anymore. my little brother is an American hero. yay life!
Another Great Night
ugh. last night was another winner. i slept on the couch with the pack n play next to me while the baby yelled and screamed for no reason what so ever. kinda like she’s doing right now.
i was going to take a nap instead of drink coffee this morning. as i was laying on the couch trying unsuccessfully to sleep, a mere 30 minutes into E’s nap J came in from the bedroom, declaring he had too much to do to sleep anymore today. so i move into the bedroom, and 30 minutes after that- J sneezes. his sneezes aren’t normal. they have the impact power of a crashing freight train and shake the roof tiles when it’s let loose.
oh, and his sneezes also make the baby scream bloody murder no matter where they are in relation to each other when it happens.
SO.
the baby is yelling in her play pen.
i am drinking coffee. (it’s not helping)
and J is getting a shower so he can leave for work.
i really, really have to get some stuff done in this house. that huge basket of clean, unfolded laundry is telling me so. but still- i am tempted to do nothing but sit on the couch and put minimal effort into making sure E stays fed, clothed, and safe. unfortunately, that’s all i seem to be doing lately. i have to get that stupid laundry folded.
ugh.
oh. and i totally forgot to mention… K went on his end of the year field trip yesterday. you know, the ride on an Amtrak train that we couldn’t talk about without him crying because i forgot to bring in my money so i could go with him? yeah, that one.
the bus was an hour late from getting back to the school. apparently, there was a fire on one of the cars. all the kids had to move from one car to another, and squish in with random folks also riding the train that day. K said it scared him, and it was fun other than that.
oh, did i mention that he only managed to tell me that AFTER he finally started speaking to me again? yeah. yet another bad mommy award for me… when i picked him up i totally expected him to be bubbly and happy and excited about his really cool field trip on a train, but NO. he completely ignored me, and leaned against the brick wall of the outside of the building. he’s only six years old, but somehow with his hoodie pulled up over his head, and the sullen expression on his face, he managed to look like a pissed off teenager. not only did my heart break yet again because i disappointed him again, but it was also embarassing.
it took forever for me to get him to tell me what’s wrong, even though i already knew. i just don’t know how to fix something like that. we ended up playing Little Big Planet together for an hour or so. i feel like a douche for bribing myself back into his favor, but i felt so bad for disappointing him, and i just didn’t know how to fix it. when we were done playing video games, he made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. apparently video games make everything better.
he also said, as he was making out dinner, “mom, now that i’m six-and-a-half-almost-seven, i think i should start making my own dinner.” SO cute. i think he’s just trying to make more money so he can buy another Lego Powerminer. he bought one the other day at Target, and was SO proud of himself for putting it together without any help, that he wants more. i told him he’d have to work to make more money.
now if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to see if i can figure out WHAT THE HELL is wrong with my daughter this time. *sigh*
she is SO lucky she’s cute.