most of my life is extremely boring. why is it, that when i do actually have something to do, it’s all AT ONCE? here’s a well known fact about me… i hate driving. i despise it. i don’t know what started the fear, but i’ve been terrified of it since i was a kid. i didn’t get my license until i was 18 years old… and wrecked my car that very same day. i didn’t properly understand the traffic laws of left turns at the time, and ended up turning with a light, not an arrow. boom. nobody hurt, but a hard lesson learned.
i also used to drive a really cute red jeep liberty that fit my personality like a glove. an icy road at 4 in the morning on my way to work took care of that. i ping ponged between two rock walls in the ice and snow, and never drove that car again. i am terrified of driving. when i have to go new places, i have to clamp down the fear so that i don’t have a crippling panic attack.
my husband got me a gps device last year (before i had the baby) because i was making coffee deliveries for him while he had to work. that helped a little bit…now i only get terrified of wrecking, rather than getting lost in the ghetto.
i have *a* friend that lives within an hour’s driving distance of me, and today she is having a baby shower. apparently, the shower is in the middle downtown. driving downtown, and getting lost there (because my gps device doesn’t work with all those constantly changing twists and turns) is a deep seated fear of mine. wrecking and leaving my children motherless, or worse- having one of my children get hurt, damn near paralyzes me with fear. i don’t understand one way streets, and sometimes my brain just doesn’t process things properly, which leads to really stupid mistakes on the road, or otherwise.
i don’t want to drive myself there. i don’t want to try and find that place by myself. but i only have one friend, and i don’t want to miss out on this because of a stupid fear of mine.
i have quite a few fears, but one thing i am very, very good at is steeling myself up, and just fucking doing it.
so i’ve printed up mapquest directions. i’m programming it into my gps. and i am telling myself over and over again, that if i’m late- it’s okay. the key to not freaking out, and not wrecking is just taking my time and staying calm. eat simple, easily digestable foods, because i can already feel the stomach ache forming. if i don’t make it at all…well, that’s okay too. i’ll bring my friend’s phone number, and the girl who’s actually throwing the shower’s phone number. and, ultimately, if i have to call my husband to come and get me because i am hopelessly lost, that’s okay too. just stay calm. as a last resort (and this is the best advice my husband ever gave me as far as this thing is concerned) just drive north. eventually, i will hit a highway i know that will get me home. right. drive north.
now i have to get ready for Ks soccer game. after that, i’m going to book it back home, grab a shower, attempt to make my fat ass and bad haircut look good, and head into town. i’m dropping my son off with daddy and E and i will head to the baby shower.
wish me luck. i’m gonna need it.
Continue reading Today
