Disclaimer: this post is all about weight. it doesn’t apply to everybody, just me. i don’t usually like talking about issues like this- but this is my blog and if i can’t record my thoughts in all honesty, then what’s the point? once it’s out, it’s out, and i probably won’t mention it again. so anyways, there’s a little TMI in some areas, and probably ridiculous whining in others. just wanted to warn you.
i don’t care who you are, or what you think- you worry about your weight. different people worry to varying degrees, of course, but you worry about how it affects how others look at you, you worry about how it affects your health. you worry about how it makes you look in your clothes. (or someone else’s!)
the reason everybody
should worry about their weight is for health reasons. the darker side, and the reason
most people worry about their weight is for vanity reasons. while i am still vain- let’s face it, i want to be able to wear a bikini and at best, not be noticed. but ultimately, i really,
really want to be there for my grandkids. i don’t want to die early, or become incapacitated because of something as easily preventable (at my youngish age) as weight/fitness related problems. if i work at it now, when i’m 70 i will be able to get around by myself. i will be able to walk up (and down) stairs by myself, and i will be able to hold my grandbabies in my arms. if i work at it now. if i stay slender i won’t have to have my knees replaced in 40 years. also? i want to ALWAYS be able to wipe my own ass. dying of old age quietly and peacefully means nothing if i’ve been slowly doing it for the past 2 years, unable to get around much and being taken out for walks to prevent bed sores by some nice nurse in blue scrubs who would rather be at home with her own kids. i want to stay fit. i want to stay active. i want to stay slender and healthy.
but damnit, i hate to excercise. i hate huffing and puffing and moving and making myself hurt just for the sake of fitness. some people get a rise out of it. they say that excercise releases the happy hormone. not for me it doesn’t! i cycle indoors (aka:spin) for 30 minutes every other day. all i can think is: this is 30 minutes out of my day that i could have spent playing with my children, reading a book or cleaning my house. ultimately i know that the excercise is excellent for me but that doesn’t make the mental anguish i experience every time i jump on that stupid bike.
my husband is trying to help motivate me. he made up an excercise schedule for me, and if i can keep with that schedule for one month, he’ll buy me new clothes.
we used to have a bet going, that if i could reach my weight loss goal before he reached his he’d buy me a new wardrobe, but between breastfeeding and running after 2 kids i did it with zero excercise and zero dieting. i know, i’m shocked too. i didn’t think it was very fair of me to do it like that, so we made the new wager.
we are approaching the end of 1 month term, and hopefully i can keep it up for the next week so i can get some new clothes. i am in desperate need of a new wardrobe. i don’t have any bras, other than nursing bras. not that i need any others right now, but nursing bras are really ugly. well, at least they are when you’re a 34H. don’t get too excited, give me another ten years and i won’t need a bra because i’ll be able to tuck my boobs into my waistband to keep them from bouncing. *sigh*
i also need some decent shirts. the only non-walmart t-shirt stuff i have are from my highschool and college days. read: short, abdomen flashing and tight boob hugging tops. i just can’t wear that anymore… i’m a mom now. and a grown up. i have absolutely no desire to walk around flashing my midsection, or make heads turn. i just want to look like a nice, put together, fit young lady. i also wouldn’t mind people saying “wow, she doesn’t look like she’s had kids!” although i know they’ll never say that no matter how toned i am, because i think my eyes will always give me away. i wear my dark circles, wrinkles and bags like badges of honor, because it’s the only choice i have. my new wrinkles practically shout out “i am a mom who has survived extreme sleep deprivation and anxiety”. the only cosmetic surgery i will ever consider for myself is a breast reduction, and that would be to save my lower back. i’ll get right on it as soon as we win the lottery.
going back to the weight thing, as soon as i was old enough to worry about what i looked like to the opposite sex, i’ve worried about my weight. i’ve never successfully dieted…i always lost weight by “accident”. here’s my history.
Highschool: 145 lbs. i don’t know how heavy i actually looked, and i was never in a position to get an honest opinion from somebody who knew me. to tell you the truth, it never even occurred to me that i might actually have been a little over weight. not much. just enough to be able to lose a few pounds and be healthy. i do know, that is what i weighed when i reached my full height potential at 5’7″.
College: 135 lbs. i lost ten pounds during my college years due to mental abuse from my boyfriend at the time. i ate enough to survive healthily, and had a dorm room on the 3rd floor, with only stair access. i was very active in band and i tried to walk regularly. i’d like to think that in college i was at peak physical fitness and looked darn good, but i didn’t know it back then because of that stupid boyfriend that kept telling me if i “would just lose ten more pounds i’d probably be pretty hot”. stupid man. stupid girl for putting up with stupid man.
1st Baby: started at 135 lbs, ended at 185 lbs. after 2 years of college, i found a better boyfriend and managed to get knocked up by said better boyfriend. he loved me just the way i was and because i didn’t feel like i had to hold back from eating what i wanted, i gained 50lbs during my pregnancy. i had a healthy baby boy who weighed 7 lbs. 15 ozs. i breastfed him for 4 months, and shed the baby weight relatively quickly. within a year i was at 140 lbs.
Stomach Problems: down to 130 lbs. i had some tummy problems related to acid over production, so i ended up losing ten pounds because i just couldn’t eat without feeling sick. it sucked feeling sick, but the weight loss was great! i soon went on an elephant dose of antacids, and managed to maintain my weight.
Job Experimentation: back up to 140 lbs. i got a job as a barrista in an attempt to put some money in the bank. it didn’t work out because i ended up spending more money on gas to get to that job than i actually made, but while there (6 months) i gained 10 lbs. note to self: don’t eat the pastries. they are nothing more than gilded blubber.
2nd Baby: up to 168 lbs. i lost a couple pounds due to morning sickness (just nausea) and gained exactly 30 lbs during that pregnancy. i was vaguely surprised i didn’t gain more, but very happy to have gained the prescribed amount. i had a 6 lb. 14 oz. healthy little girl, and lost 10 lbs. first thing returning home from the hospital.
Today: 127.4 lbs! i have been nursing my little girl for the past 8 months. for the past 1 month, i have been cycling every other day. i try to eat healthy, but i do eat a little more than i should because i am still providing main nutrition for myself and another. (at least, that’s my excuse!) i am beyond thrilled to have my swimsuit body back before swimsuit season even started. there is nothing to be done about the saggy, gigantic boobage, so i try to ignore it. as far as my weight is concerned, i am excited, especially since i haven’t been where i’m at since before i reached my full height potential, and i had a baby less than a year ago.
it occurred to me the other day, that if i keep up my excercise and eating healthy, i will weigh this for the rest of my life. i’ve always gone through life taking for granted that i need to keep my “fat” clothes around…after all, aren’t i going to have more babies? the first few months of pregnancy are perfect for my larger wardrobe, and for an indeterminate amount of time after pregnancy as well.
not so anymore. i realized i no longer have a reason to keep that part of my wardrobe in storage. i never thought i’d feel sad for having to get rid of my fat clothes. because i took the opportunity to get rid of the ugly hand-me-downs from MIL, and the belly baring, boob hugging clothes of my teenager-hood as well, there are three lawn sized garbage bags full of clothes sitting in my bedroom, waiting to be taken off to good will. oh, sad days. my maternity clothes are in a pile in my bedroom- another friend is pregnant, so i’m saving them for her.
speaking of which…. DON’T DRINK THE WATER!!!! apparently there is live sperm in there because EVERYBODY seems to be getting pregnant lately! i currently know THREE pregnant people in person, (online friends don’t count, as far as this is concerned…) and i have in my life never known more than one at a time. *sigh* yeah, it still makes me sad. i still want more babies. that will probably always be a tender spot in the back of my mind. but there’s nothing to be done about it now, except a painful, expensive vasectomy reversal…which is even less likely than my boob reduction and winning the lottery.
so anyways. there you have it…my weight history.
ideally, i will keep up my excercise and just general healthy eating, and i will be good until my heart fades away around 100 years of age, or i die in a horrible accident, or a terrible disease or illness. can you tell which one i’m hoping for? i’ll give you a hint…i’m routing for fading away around 100 years old.
if i don’t completely flake out with my excercise, i will probably lose a little more weight, then maybe gain a little more while i tone up a bit. we’ll see. now that i’m at a decent weight, and i seem to be doing good at maintaining it, i’m not too terribly concerned. as long as my husband still thinks i look good naked, i’m happy.
