when does the barrage of post partum hormones end? when is it officially not post partum depression, but just plain depression? is any kind of depression automatically post partum depression if a woman just had a baby? what if it’s “i haven’t slept in fucking months and i’m just fucking tired” depression? how about “it’s fucking cold and i feel like a human popsicle” depression? or, maybe (last one, i swear) “my kids are sick, and now i’m sick and i’m sick of being SICK” depression? how about that?
because people tell me i have a “touch” of post partum depression. but guess what? i felt this exact same way in highschool. the roller coaster rides of emotion, the feeling depressed one day for no reason, feeling high as a kite another day for no reason, and then all of a sudden having to do something so i end up re-arranging my entire house just for a change for no reason. maybe i’ve just never given my body a chance to level out…just as the teenage hormones finally managed to stabilize, i got pregnant with K. (i was 19) then 5 years later and a roller coaster ride with a psycho MIL and trying to make a rocky relationship smooth, i got pregnant again. who knows.
i told my husband the other day that maybe i’m just “a touch” bi polar. he looked at me like i had grown an extra head and said “you can’t possibly be that bad”.
my theory? there are many different levels of depression. there are different levels of everything, (it’s why life is just so dang interesting!) so why not bi-polar disorder? just because my highs aren’t “dancing on the table top laughing hysterically in the middle of a family restaurant” high, and my lows aren’t “walking onto a busy highway while wailing and pulling out my hair” low, doesn’t mean that i can’t have a “touch” of it. does it? or maybe it’s all about degrees. i don’t reach the lowest degree of low, or the highest degree of high, so it can’t be called that. not to mention that i cope without medication OR therapy, so it can’t possibly be that.
maybe i’m just a woman. my hormones are in constant flux so i’m just naturally nuts. i keep wanting to blame my mood fluctuations on something… i’m still looking for my period, but i haven’t seen her since October 24, 2007. it’s possible she’s hormonally here…which is why about once a month i want to do nothing but hide under the couch eating chocolate and reading the most out-there fantasy book i can find. but i don’t think so.
i have a feeling it has to do with the weather. how retarded is that? i get weather-depressed. the cold weather makes me want to smother myself under a pile of pillows and blankets. (preferably heated) i am so tired of being cold. also, i can’t open my windows when it’s cold outside. fresh air moving through the house makes it feel- new. different. refreshed. i love to rearrange furniture… for some reason the sight of the newness just makes me feel better. i get the bug about once a month, but i can’t do anything about it because my house is kind of fixed where it is. it sucks. but yesterday i had the windows open all day and it felt wonderful. after a warm spell a couple days ago i watched a movie with my husband, and managed to laugh so hard i had tears in my eyes. (i highly recommend “Zack and Miri” if you haven’t seen it already. OMG hilarious! but not if you don’t have a healthy appreciation for the funnier side of porn and crude comedy)
yesterday it was 81 degrees outside. i thought i had died and gone to heaven, but i was too sick to be fooled for long. today, it’s cold again. i want to go back to bed.
you know, i just realized that i’m going absolutely nowhere with this blog. when did i lose my ability to write coherently? why can’t i put down a thought from begining to end and not sound like a total nutjob while doing it?
why won’t my baby girl say mama? (or anything intelligible for that matter)
will i actually post this blog and waste 5 minutes of your day?
just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
the world may never know.
what i do know, is that i’m going to get some tylenol. and lay on the floor with my girl while she tries to eat her toys until it’s time to pick my big ‘un up from school.
peacelovencoffee.